| Carol Norris, MFT : Psychotherapy for the body, mind, brain and spirit |
SELF-COMPASSION
Integrating Self-Compassion into Healing
For those of us on a healing path, be it dealing with a serious or long-lasting illness, trauma, relationship challenges, or anything we hope to heal from, self-compassion is an often-overlooked, yet central piece of our journey. How do we expect to truly heal a place - a body, a mind, a brain, a spirit - we don’t have compassion for? Most of us have a pretty good idea of what compassion for others is: a heartfelt, sympathetic response to the suffering of others. So then, self-compassion is the heartfelt, sympathetic response to our own suffering. It’s unconditional kindness and caring for ourselves, however much we screw up or one of our symptoms is flaring.
Take a minute right now to be with whatever reaction you’re having to that definition of self-compassion. It’ll tell you a whole lot if you pay attention. Did you make fun of it? Did you dismiss it as a bunch of woo-woo garbage? Did you blow right past it? Did you get sad? Did you get a glimmer of excitement? Did you feel a slight surge of anger?
If you had a negative reaction, you’re far from alone. Lots of people bristle at the idea of self-compassion. Think about that for a second. We bristle at the idea of having a deep, unwavering kindness and caring for ourselves. Wow. Do we have the same response at the thought of having compassion and kindness for others as they face illness or other difficulties? If showing compassion for others is too close to being compassionate toward ourselves we absolutely might. But often, we are able to have compassion for other people. We do little kindnesses for our friends who are struggling. We show heartfelt support and nurturance.
Why, then, do we bristle at the idea of doing it for ourselves?
Without actively exploring our hurdles to self-compassion, and then do what we can to work through them, we could stay stuck in our challenges, be they depression, Lyme Disease, or struggling to attain the goals in one's life. You might explore a few of those possible hurdles below and see which ones resonate with you. They’re all connected and overlapping, inextricably weaving in and out of each other.
Self-compassion will cause us to fall apart because we need harsh judgment to keep ourselves in line and reach our goals. This is such a widespread, deeply ingrained belief that’s reinforced in nearly every aspect of lots of cultures. Think of the severe words many of use: We “whip ourselves into shape.” We “keep our noses to the grindstone.” When thought of literally, these are violent images. We absolutely benefit from honest self-criticism and reckoning. But, honest self-criticism isn’t harsh and belittling, it’s kind and encouraging. Notice the difference: “When I told my friend she looked ridiculous in the new dress she was so happy about, that was mean and wrong. I was feeling envious of how great she actually looked and how much attention she got. So, I cut her down to try to make myself feel better. And now I feel even worse. And her feelings are hurt. I’m taking responsibility for that by working on how I can recognize and manage my insecurity, rather than saying impulsive and intentionally hurtful things. I owe her a huge apology.” Versus: “I’m a pitiful, spiteful idiot for saying such incredibly mean things to my friend. What the hell is wrong with me? I hate myself.”
But saying that last thing helps, we might say! Nope, it doesn’t. Recent studies show harsh, belittling criticism is not motivating in the long run. It ultimately tears down our sense of self. We lose the steady and comforting internal presence that is vital to allow us to keep going when we make mistakes instead of becoming devastated and then discouraged and unmotivated by them.
Do an experiment when you’re having a bad day or moment. Without editing or sanitizing, write down the exact things you say to yourself, also describing the tone. And then later when you’re not caught up in the emotion, go back and imagine one of your best friends saying those exact words to you in the exact same tone. (Or actually have a pal read back what you wrote with the same tone.) Gah!
Ask yourself this: If harsh self-criticism works, why aren’t you a self-actualized guru yet?
Self-criticism gives us the allusion of control. Somewhere in our minds, whether we realize it or not, we think its possible to be perfect. “If I do it all ‘correctly,’ then all will be well and I’ll be in control.” (This is tied into the fear of being less-than and unworthy of the love and esteem of those we care about and, thus, rejected. But, that’s a big topic for another article.) If we didn’t expect perfection, then we’d expect mistakes to happen and know they aren’t a loss of control, but simply a part of life. We wouldn’t berate ourselves because of mistakes; we’d be curious about them. We’d gently and honestly break down what didn’t work and what we might do differently next time. We’d spend our time learning, not wasting it harshly judging. And then we’d be motivated to go out and risk trying something else that also has no guarantee of success. That’s what real innovators and truly happy people do.
Self-compassion is a sign of weakness. We have a fantasy that the people we perceive as “strong” don’t have to “resort” to self-compassion. Not true. Quite the opposite. Behind that idea is a fear of looking weak. It’s too exposing. Too vulnerable. But, self-compassion is actually powerful. Being compassionately open to our vulnerabilities takes a lot of strength and courage. Gently and compassionately, but no less determinedly and candidly, exploring the parts of ourselves we don’t like without running away from them by using defenses like grandiosity or anger or acting out or shutting down – now that is some serious courage. We need a new super hero: Self-Compassion Woman/Man/Person.
(To explore more about courageous vulnerability in the face of illness, go here.)
Self-compassion is self-pity. Who wants to be absorbed in self-pity? Ugh. It seems overly dramatic and, well, pitiful. But, self-compassion isn’t self-pity. Nor is it egocentricity. The human experience is hard for the happiest of us at times. Self-compassion is a more connected way to relate to all of our experiences. When we’re compassionate, we’re mindful and aware. We don’t ignore what’s going on and we don’t exaggerate it or attention-seek because of it. We can see ourselves as we are and ask for help and support when we need it. And we all need it.
Self-compassionate is self-indulgent. It allows us to do whatever we want: blow off our day-to-day responsibilities, eat the entire bag of potato chips, max out our credit cards. Nope. Those things would ultimately be harmful. Self-compassion is guided by health and wellness because self-compassion, by its very nature, doesn’t want us to suffer. So blowing things off and then stressing out or eating “fun” things that, say, upset our bellies or trigger an immune reaction is not in our best interest. True self-compassion is wiser than our self-sabotaging urges. It helps us connect to what is authentically good for us.
Self-compassion allows us to make excuses. Yes, we could easily make excuses for ourselves and not take responsibility for things. But, we actually are more able to take responsibility and see ourselves clearly with self-compassion because it’s safer to do so since it’s okay to have made a mistake. You can say, “Yes, [fill in the blank] was clearly a mistake. But no, that doesn’t mean that I am a worthless person because of it.” When I only see myself from a place of self-criticism, I’m so focused on belittling myself - and maybe shutting down or acting out in response - I’m not really looking at the causes of the mistake and what I might do to prevent it in the future. So, then I’m not taking true responsibility for my actions, while telling myself I am.
Ultimately, harsh self-criticism is fear-based. It’s brittle and inflexible. Self-compassion is resilient and flexible. It breeds an environment of exploration and real change. That change is active, not passive. And that activity isn’t solely mental work that problem solves, though that’s important. It’s heart work that also holds the inescapable fact that we’re all imperfect with kindness and love. (If you bristle at that, please review above points and re-explore!) We’ll all “fail” and do things that are painful, things that we regret. It’s an inescapable part of being human. Sitting in that truth can be quite uncomfortable at first. Then, it’s hugely liberating because in truth there’s relief. We can finally stop spending energy trying to create a smoke and mirrors fantasy of perfection that none of us can possibly maintain. Phew!
With practice, we can develop a sense of comfort and safety not from having complete control of our lives, which is impossible, but in residing in the shelter and empowerment of self-compassion.
How do we do start to do that? You’re doing it. The first step is being aware of our barriers to self-compassion. Which of these examples struck a nerve? All of them? We might explore how these reactions feel in our bodies, our thoughts, and our emotions. Write it all down. Sing it. Dance it. Draw it. Talk to a pal. Talk to a therapist. This is just the jumping off point. The next step is to be curious about where these patterns and beliefs come from.*
Welcome to the healing world of self-compassion. You’re on your way.
*Sometimes these explorations can bring up things like body shame or some difficulty connecting to the self-love we’re all born with. Again, there are reasons for these things that may be helpful to explore. But, please always do that safely and with self-care in mind. If anything in this has been too triggering, stop right now and do something you find grounding. You might try putting one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly. Take a relaxed, normal in-breath and slowly and comfortably start to make your out-breath a bit longer. As you breathe, feel the gentle contact of your hands as they "send" peace and calm to your heart and belly, helping you to connect to your core to root you amidst whatever experience you're having. Feel the softening of your body and mind. Do this as long as it feels right.
(With ongoing gratitude to all the self-compassion and neuroscience researchers and clinicians who have made these concepts available.)
Take a minute right now to be with whatever reaction you’re having to that definition of self-compassion. It’ll tell you a whole lot if you pay attention. Did you make fun of it? Did you dismiss it as a bunch of woo-woo garbage? Did you blow right past it? Did you get sad? Did you get a glimmer of excitement? Did you feel a slight surge of anger?
If you had a negative reaction, you’re far from alone. Lots of people bristle at the idea of self-compassion. Think about that for a second. We bristle at the idea of having a deep, unwavering kindness and caring for ourselves. Wow. Do we have the same response at the thought of having compassion and kindness for others as they face illness or other difficulties? If showing compassion for others is too close to being compassionate toward ourselves we absolutely might. But often, we are able to have compassion for other people. We do little kindnesses for our friends who are struggling. We show heartfelt support and nurturance.
Why, then, do we bristle at the idea of doing it for ourselves?
Without actively exploring our hurdles to self-compassion, and then do what we can to work through them, we could stay stuck in our challenges, be they depression, Lyme Disease, or struggling to attain the goals in one's life. You might explore a few of those possible hurdles below and see which ones resonate with you. They’re all connected and overlapping, inextricably weaving in and out of each other.
Self-compassion will cause us to fall apart because we need harsh judgment to keep ourselves in line and reach our goals. This is such a widespread, deeply ingrained belief that’s reinforced in nearly every aspect of lots of cultures. Think of the severe words many of use: We “whip ourselves into shape.” We “keep our noses to the grindstone.” When thought of literally, these are violent images. We absolutely benefit from honest self-criticism and reckoning. But, honest self-criticism isn’t harsh and belittling, it’s kind and encouraging. Notice the difference: “When I told my friend she looked ridiculous in the new dress she was so happy about, that was mean and wrong. I was feeling envious of how great she actually looked and how much attention she got. So, I cut her down to try to make myself feel better. And now I feel even worse. And her feelings are hurt. I’m taking responsibility for that by working on how I can recognize and manage my insecurity, rather than saying impulsive and intentionally hurtful things. I owe her a huge apology.” Versus: “I’m a pitiful, spiteful idiot for saying such incredibly mean things to my friend. What the hell is wrong with me? I hate myself.”
But saying that last thing helps, we might say! Nope, it doesn’t. Recent studies show harsh, belittling criticism is not motivating in the long run. It ultimately tears down our sense of self. We lose the steady and comforting internal presence that is vital to allow us to keep going when we make mistakes instead of becoming devastated and then discouraged and unmotivated by them.
Do an experiment when you’re having a bad day or moment. Without editing or sanitizing, write down the exact things you say to yourself, also describing the tone. And then later when you’re not caught up in the emotion, go back and imagine one of your best friends saying those exact words to you in the exact same tone. (Or actually have a pal read back what you wrote with the same tone.) Gah!
Ask yourself this: If harsh self-criticism works, why aren’t you a self-actualized guru yet?
Self-criticism gives us the allusion of control. Somewhere in our minds, whether we realize it or not, we think its possible to be perfect. “If I do it all ‘correctly,’ then all will be well and I’ll be in control.” (This is tied into the fear of being less-than and unworthy of the love and esteem of those we care about and, thus, rejected. But, that’s a big topic for another article.) If we didn’t expect perfection, then we’d expect mistakes to happen and know they aren’t a loss of control, but simply a part of life. We wouldn’t berate ourselves because of mistakes; we’d be curious about them. We’d gently and honestly break down what didn’t work and what we might do differently next time. We’d spend our time learning, not wasting it harshly judging. And then we’d be motivated to go out and risk trying something else that also has no guarantee of success. That’s what real innovators and truly happy people do.
Self-compassion is a sign of weakness. We have a fantasy that the people we perceive as “strong” don’t have to “resort” to self-compassion. Not true. Quite the opposite. Behind that idea is a fear of looking weak. It’s too exposing. Too vulnerable. But, self-compassion is actually powerful. Being compassionately open to our vulnerabilities takes a lot of strength and courage. Gently and compassionately, but no less determinedly and candidly, exploring the parts of ourselves we don’t like without running away from them by using defenses like grandiosity or anger or acting out or shutting down – now that is some serious courage. We need a new super hero: Self-Compassion Woman/Man/Person.
(To explore more about courageous vulnerability in the face of illness, go here.)
Self-compassion is self-pity. Who wants to be absorbed in self-pity? Ugh. It seems overly dramatic and, well, pitiful. But, self-compassion isn’t self-pity. Nor is it egocentricity. The human experience is hard for the happiest of us at times. Self-compassion is a more connected way to relate to all of our experiences. When we’re compassionate, we’re mindful and aware. We don’t ignore what’s going on and we don’t exaggerate it or attention-seek because of it. We can see ourselves as we are and ask for help and support when we need it. And we all need it.
Self-compassionate is self-indulgent. It allows us to do whatever we want: blow off our day-to-day responsibilities, eat the entire bag of potato chips, max out our credit cards. Nope. Those things would ultimately be harmful. Self-compassion is guided by health and wellness because self-compassion, by its very nature, doesn’t want us to suffer. So blowing things off and then stressing out or eating “fun” things that, say, upset our bellies or trigger an immune reaction is not in our best interest. True self-compassion is wiser than our self-sabotaging urges. It helps us connect to what is authentically good for us.
Self-compassion allows us to make excuses. Yes, we could easily make excuses for ourselves and not take responsibility for things. But, we actually are more able to take responsibility and see ourselves clearly with self-compassion because it’s safer to do so since it’s okay to have made a mistake. You can say, “Yes, [fill in the blank] was clearly a mistake. But no, that doesn’t mean that I am a worthless person because of it.” When I only see myself from a place of self-criticism, I’m so focused on belittling myself - and maybe shutting down or acting out in response - I’m not really looking at the causes of the mistake and what I might do to prevent it in the future. So, then I’m not taking true responsibility for my actions, while telling myself I am.
Ultimately, harsh self-criticism is fear-based. It’s brittle and inflexible. Self-compassion is resilient and flexible. It breeds an environment of exploration and real change. That change is active, not passive. And that activity isn’t solely mental work that problem solves, though that’s important. It’s heart work that also holds the inescapable fact that we’re all imperfect with kindness and love. (If you bristle at that, please review above points and re-explore!) We’ll all “fail” and do things that are painful, things that we regret. It’s an inescapable part of being human. Sitting in that truth can be quite uncomfortable at first. Then, it’s hugely liberating because in truth there’s relief. We can finally stop spending energy trying to create a smoke and mirrors fantasy of perfection that none of us can possibly maintain. Phew!
With practice, we can develop a sense of comfort and safety not from having complete control of our lives, which is impossible, but in residing in the shelter and empowerment of self-compassion.
How do we do start to do that? You’re doing it. The first step is being aware of our barriers to self-compassion. Which of these examples struck a nerve? All of them? We might explore how these reactions feel in our bodies, our thoughts, and our emotions. Write it all down. Sing it. Dance it. Draw it. Talk to a pal. Talk to a therapist. This is just the jumping off point. The next step is to be curious about where these patterns and beliefs come from.*
Welcome to the healing world of self-compassion. You’re on your way.
*Sometimes these explorations can bring up things like body shame or some difficulty connecting to the self-love we’re all born with. Again, there are reasons for these things that may be helpful to explore. But, please always do that safely and with self-care in mind. If anything in this has been too triggering, stop right now and do something you find grounding. You might try putting one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly. Take a relaxed, normal in-breath and slowly and comfortably start to make your out-breath a bit longer. As you breathe, feel the gentle contact of your hands as they "send" peace and calm to your heart and belly, helping you to connect to your core to root you amidst whatever experience you're having. Feel the softening of your body and mind. Do this as long as it feels right.
(With ongoing gratitude to all the self-compassion and neuroscience researchers and clinicians who have made these concepts available.)
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Copyright 2014 | Carol Norris, MFT
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